2 Corinthians 5:7

discernment: perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding.

:finding our own path, asking our own questions, making our faith our own.

When I think of Sunday's growing up, I think of the smell of my dad's black coffee, my brother only getting out of bed for bacon, little white ruffle socks, the green mints the old man in the pew behind us always gave me, and sitting through two hours of stand up sit down singing and the Lord's prayer. I am a cradle Episcopalian, from the first Sunday I can remember, to the last Sunday of my high school career I can count on one hand how many Sunday's I missed in church. I never knew anything different. Saturday night sleepovers meant getting to bring a friend with me the next morning and having someone to play tic-tac-toe on the bulletin with. I was baptized when I was 7 and confirmed when I was 16 but to be honest I had no idea what any of it meant. I never asked any questions, I just bowed my head and said Amen at the end of every day.

It wasn't until high school that I started to wonder what the big deal was, what was all of this really about?

You're trying to tell me that all of humanity came from two people? You think that once upon a time there was a man who could part the seas, heal the blind and feed the masses? What is SO special that millions of people congregate once a week every week and dedicate two boring hours to this man?

I kept these questions to myself for years, I was afraid that if I found answers I would realize that the one part of me that held constant my whole life would be a lie. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know the truth, I was happy living and following a blind faith.

Years passed and these questions still lingered. Life happened along the way- I lost loved ones, watched the best people go through the hardest times, and watched this world crumble in to a mess of hate and greed, I started to become angry at the God I always knew, the God that was supposed to protect us from all of these things. This anger put a a hole in my faith that had held me together for so long, This hole eventually led to a complete disconnect from my church and from Christianity.

For two years I asked all of the questions that clouded my mind. Some questions were answered, but most remained a mystery. These years felt empty. Without the church to ground me I felt lost. I wasn't sure where my values came from anymore or what I wanted to stand for. I changed as a person, I became someone I didn't even recognize anymore. I became cold and selfish. I lost relationships that were built on years and years of memories.

And I hated every second of it.

I finally realized that something was wrong, something was missing-and I had a good idea what it was. For months and months I read every book and every devotional I could get my hands on. I reached out to clergy that I knew, and anyone who would listen and answer my questions.

'faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen' Hebrews 11:1

The problem was is that I was searching for concrete answers. I had forgotten what it meant to have faith. I wanted so badly to have evidence of the stories in the bible. I needed control. But that's not what following Jesus is about.

Being a follower of Christ means giving up all control, something that I was never good at. Being a disciple is embracing the teachings of Jesus and spreading those scriptures all around you. To be a disciple means to not necessarily know all the answers, but lead a life consumed by the Holy Spirit.

For years I was afraid to ask all of the questions that filled my heart with doubt. I let my need for control take over my faith. Ive started asking my questions, and still have yet to find answers- but the lack of answers has forced me to relinquish control and to lay all of my trust into my faith. At 23 years old I can say I have lived a life filled with Christ and I have lived a life without, and I know which one my heart craves.